Death of a Father- it hurts

Vic Chernoff, Norm Weyman, Pastor Ernest Gentile,  Barbara and Bob McKim and Bob Taylor

Vic Chernoff, Norm Wehman, Pastor Ernest Gentile, Barbara and Bob McKim and Bob Taylor

I love this photo. It is like the old Gospel Temple gang. Sunday school teachers and family friends. My first boyfriends Dad, Bob Taylor, my brother Mark’s in-laws and both of my best friend’s parents while growing up, Nina and Diane, and then of course Pastor Gentile, a huge figure in all our lives. All in one photo with my Dad. That is a lot of love and living represented here. Bob Taylor was one of the funniest men I ever knew. I adored him. He was kind, loving and funny. Debbie Sell emailed me that Dad and Bob are in heaven right now having a great time. That is exactly what I was thinking this morning before I found this photo.

I am having a hard time concentrating today. I keep getting these waves of sadness and a huge emptiness in the pit of my stomach.
I feel like I want to talk to Dad and tell him how I am feeling so he can give me his advice and comfort like he always has done.
My daughter and sister Renee both have the same deep attachment to Dad, so we have been emailing and calling each other.
I am grateful for them. We all seem to be having the same feelings. Sadness, loneliness for Dad, and a huge sense of loss.
The loss that we can never share our life with him again. The whole family loved Dad, but the three of us have a similar emotional makeup, so this is not
a surprise to me, and I am blessed to have my sister and my daughter to share these feelings with.
This is the first death in our family. I think that right there is always hard. Even though Dad almost died twice before, he was such a fighter, such a comeback kid, I thought he might do it again. I thought I would be more okay with it, since I have lived with this feeling of impending death over him since his first stroke going on 20 years ago now.
I just miss him. I wish I could hug him one more time, I want to hear his cheery greeting when I dressed him in the morning. He was so darn sweet and cheerful every morning.  I wish I could bring him one more cup of  his beloved coffee, (he swore I made the best cup of coffee ever!) High praise indeed from the coffee press man. I wish I could make him breakfast one more time, and hear him praise the Lord for another beautiful day in Castro Valley. I want to watch him go outside with the cat and dog sitting at his feet and smoke his cigar and put his head back and pray and drink in the scenery and be at peace
I loved watching him do that. I did not realize how many times during the day I would pop into his room and see how he was and just touch base.
He was part of my daily routine. He filled a big void for me the last 9 years. I was never lonely with Dad as part of  daily life.  I felt his spiritual protection over my family and felt secure every day knowing my Dad was with us and praying for us and asking God’s blessing over us. It is a bit of a scary feeling to feel like that is gone now.
I used to worry I would be taking care of him until I was an old lady. Does everyone think they have unlimited time stretching in front of them?
Right now I just want to drink in all the moments with my kids and my life and be grateful and aware. I have tried to live like that, but this loss  makes it feel more cemented into my being.

 

Comments

  1. Oh Dad. It’s been tough. I miss you and it’s so strange to think you aren’t here anymore.
    I have been having moments when I really do feel happy for you, that you are in Heaven
    with the Lord and free from your sick earthly body. Every night we pray with the girls, I always
    pray for you, that The Lord would take good care of you. I know He will and is taking great care
    of you but I guess it helps me to pray that. Love you Dad

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